I woke up.
I showered, i listened to razorlight, i walked, I passed.
Everything, I want to list them because i haven't yet.. and it's my blog so shutup. I'm going to list them in the order i was happiest about:
English Literature - A*
English Language - A*
French - B
Statistics - A*
Maths IGCSE - A*
Biology - A
Chemistry - A
Physics - B
Physical Education - A
Business Studies - A, A
Maths Linear - A
ICT - Shutup
Functional skills - No thank you
Not that i failed the last two, i just didn't count them as grades, because i think i kinda wasted a lot of my time doing that course to get some certificate i didn't look at or wont ever look at. This is gonna be a short blog post because i just wanted to write these down online somewhere, i will make a new blog soon though... It'll be good.. I promise?
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Sunday, 9 August 2009
I'm sorry..
The day that i found out that i was going to Brighton, i said to myself: I'm not gonna get into any relationships, I'm not going to go further than to flirt. I knew that if i did find myself in a relationship... i would grow attached to them, i would fall in love with them. I would move away from them and my heart would break for them. I was on an on-off kind of relationship before i met her properly... It wasn't really a relationship that i had on... but i knew that she wanted to take things further just to say we were dating. I couldn't stand looking at her because i knew i wouldn't be able to say goodbye when i 'left her' as she so often put it after i told her i was going. We fell apart. She became something that could have been, under different circumstances. I knew that i could have got back with her, but i didn't, I mustn't. I thought that i was doing the right thing, it was over between me and her and there was no other girl in my life that i could hurt.
The reason i didn't want to be in a relationship is not because i didn't like anyone. It is because i didn't want to hurt anyone after i left.
The girl of my dreams was given to me on the hardest plate to reach; dating one of my best friends. I never thought about you that way until we started talking, not just general talk but about things of some importance... I don't know how to put it, everything you did while you were going out with him seemed friendly until you broke up with him, over me. I'm sorry for ruining your relationship with him because if i just never came along, you might still be with him and I'd be alone. Then you broke up and it was SO hard for me to be with you and still remain friends with him at the same time. I used to think about how i could see you without it effecting my friendship... and eventually the whole school saw us together and i didn't care about that, i cared about him, i know you'll say 'oh who care's about him' but he was one of my best Friends, and i needed him to be alright with it.
You have no idea how fucking much i love you now Kate. I don't care about the fact that I'm going to Brighton because i know that i can take heartbreak, i know that eventually time will be the healer. It's not me i care about, it's you. You can't have any idea how much time i spend thinking about how hard it's gonna be for me to leave you after I've started something with you, NO clue to how sorry i am that you met me, because no matter how much you might deny it, the little bit of joy you have for me will never amount to what i have got you into. The amount of times i have wanted you to hate me so that you feel less pain than if i just leave in the next few weeks. Hate me, please hate me! so that i don't have to dread that day any further...
We talk as if we have all the time in the world when all that's left is less than a month. I haven't counted the days or weeks because if i do i know that it will make things worse... I'm always myself because that's who i am. I thought you might not like me as a person and that you wouldn't grow fond of me but no matter what i do, i do no wrong in your eyes. I can talk my way out of prison to you, just by saying those 3 words. Every time i say them, i mean them. And i want to be with you so badly but i know deep down that a long distance relationship will not work for me, ever. You know it too, i flirt to the extent of being an utter prick and i hate myself for it, but please know that whatever happens i love you and i have from the moment i said it to you on that staircase. And i won't stop until you stop. I love you too much now for me to just move on so I'd prefer it if you break my heart instead of the other way around.
I love you, and i'm sorry.
The reason i didn't want to be in a relationship is not because i didn't like anyone. It is because i didn't want to hurt anyone after i left.
The girl of my dreams was given to me on the hardest plate to reach; dating one of my best friends. I never thought about you that way until we started talking, not just general talk but about things of some importance... I don't know how to put it, everything you did while you were going out with him seemed friendly until you broke up with him, over me. I'm sorry for ruining your relationship with him because if i just never came along, you might still be with him and I'd be alone. Then you broke up and it was SO hard for me to be with you and still remain friends with him at the same time. I used to think about how i could see you without it effecting my friendship... and eventually the whole school saw us together and i didn't care about that, i cared about him, i know you'll say 'oh who care's about him' but he was one of my best Friends, and i needed him to be alright with it.
You have no idea how fucking much i love you now Kate. I don't care about the fact that I'm going to Brighton because i know that i can take heartbreak, i know that eventually time will be the healer. It's not me i care about, it's you. You can't have any idea how much time i spend thinking about how hard it's gonna be for me to leave you after I've started something with you, NO clue to how sorry i am that you met me, because no matter how much you might deny it, the little bit of joy you have for me will never amount to what i have got you into. The amount of times i have wanted you to hate me so that you feel less pain than if i just leave in the next few weeks. Hate me, please hate me! so that i don't have to dread that day any further...
We talk as if we have all the time in the world when all that's left is less than a month. I haven't counted the days or weeks because if i do i know that it will make things worse... I'm always myself because that's who i am. I thought you might not like me as a person and that you wouldn't grow fond of me but no matter what i do, i do no wrong in your eyes. I can talk my way out of prison to you, just by saying those 3 words. Every time i say them, i mean them. And i want to be with you so badly but i know deep down that a long distance relationship will not work for me, ever. You know it too, i flirt to the extent of being an utter prick and i hate myself for it, but please know that whatever happens i love you and i have from the moment i said it to you on that staircase. And i won't stop until you stop. I love you too much now for me to just move on so I'd prefer it if you break my heart instead of the other way around.
I love you, and i'm sorry.
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