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The last time I posted, I was in all respects, a different person. I wish, so much that I was the person that I was 12 months ago. I don't think that i'd have ever expected that I'd have done some of things that I have done, in all seriousness. I broke up with my girlfriend because we were both dicks. I got into another half relationship and blew that off at the end of this summer, and i haven't been able to concentrate at all on work that is key to my academic success. The question that I ask myself quite frequently is, who the fuck do you think you are? I've been offered education on a plate through the scholarship I received to the grades that i've attained, but where is my work ethic? I'm not sure if it's me being tired or that I just can't do it. I've never not been able to do it, or try to be able to do it. And now I literally don't care. I think I need a new brain.

I re-watched Garden State a few times in the time in which I should have been doing more work, but instead I turned on this film and put my legs up. It always, always hits me at how pointless our lives can be and that if we're not happy hen what's the point in even living? Being numb your whole life just to die or to feel less pain but to feel less emotion. I think i'd rather endure all the pains in the world to still feel the love I feel for some people and the movie just plays sovigorously with my emotions, despite it's subtle nature. There's a quote in the film that I watched after I left for boarding college and I cried. It made me think that, if it's true then what do I have to look forward to, if it doesn't exist anymore then how do I go on? It transformed my home into a house, somewhere where my stuff is, not somewhere where I belong. I hope it comes back, it means so much to me, so much.

'You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone... You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.'

Education, education, education.

I woke up.

I showered, i listened to razorlight, i walked, I passed.

Everything, I want to list them because i haven't yet.. and it's my blog so shutup. I'm going to list them in the order i was happiest about:

English Literature - A*
English Language - A*
French - B
Statistics - A*
Maths IGCSE - A*
Biology - A
Chemistry - A
Physics - B
Physical Education - A
Business Studies - A, A
Maths Linear - A

ICT - Shutup
Functional skills - No thank you

Not that i failed the last two, i just didn't count them as grades, because i think i kinda wasted a lot of my time doing that course to get some certificate i didn't look at or wont ever look at. This is gonna be a short blog post because i just wanted to write these down online somewhere, i will make a new blog soon though... It'll be good.. I promise?

I'm sorry..

The day that i found out that i was going to Brighton, i said to myself: I'm not gonna get into any relationships, I'm not going to go further than to flirt. I knew that if i did find myself in a relationship... i would grow attached to them, i would fall in love with them. I would move away from them and my heart would break for them. I was on an on-off kind of relationship before i met her properly... It wasn't really a relationship that i had on... but i knew that she wanted to take things further just to say we were dating. I couldn't stand looking at her because i knew i wouldn't be able to say goodbye when i 'left her' as she so often put it after i told her i was going. We fell apart. She became something that could have been, under different circumstances. I knew that i could have got back with her, but i didn't, I mustn't. I thought that i was doing the right thing, it was over between me and her and there was no other girl in my life that i could hurt.

The reason i didn't want to be in a relationship is not because i didn't like anyone. It is because i didn't want to hurt anyone after i left.

The girl of my dreams was given to me on the hardest plate to reach; dating one of my best friends. I never thought about you that way until we started talking, not just general talk but about things of some importance... I don't know how to put it, everything you did while you were going out with him seemed friendly until you broke up with him, over me. I'm sorry for ruining your relationship with him because if i just never came along, you might still be with him and I'd be alone. Then you broke up and it was SO hard for me to be with you and still remain friends with him at the same time. I used to think about how i could see you without it effecting my friendship... and eventually the whole school saw us together and i didn't care about that, i cared about him, i know you'll say 'oh who care's about him' but he was one of my best Friends, and i needed him to be alright with it.

You have no idea how fucking much i love you now Kate. I don't care about the fact that I'm going to Brighton because i know that i can take heartbreak, i know that eventually time will be the healer. It's not me i care about, it's you. You can't have any idea how much time i spend thinking about how hard it's gonna be for me to leave you after I've started something with you, NO clue to how sorry i am that you met me, because no matter how much you might deny it, the little bit of joy you have for me will never amount to what i have got you into. The amount of times i have wanted you to hate me so that you feel less pain than if i just leave in the next few weeks. Hate me, please hate me! so that i don't have to dread that day any further...

We talk as if we have all the time in the world when all that's left is less than a month. I haven't counted the days or weeks because if i do i know that it will make things worse... I'm always myself because that's who i am. I thought you might not like me as a person and that you wouldn't grow fond of me but no matter what i do, i do no wrong in your eyes. I can talk my way out of prison to you, just by saying those 3 words. Every time i say them, i mean them. And i want to be with you so badly but i know deep down that a long distance relationship will not work for me, ever. You know it too, i flirt to the extent of being an utter prick and i hate myself for it, but please know that whatever happens i love you and i have from the moment i said it to you on that staircase. And i won't stop until you stop. I love you too much now for me to just move on so I'd prefer it if you break my heart instead of the other way around.

I love you, and i'm sorry.

Hypocrisy within feminism

I've often thought long and hard about this topic, and i get unbelievably frustrated when girls even brings themselves onto the subject. Pregnancy/menstruation/'women's problems'. God i hate it when someone of the opposite sex will make a statement such as 'oh you don't what it's like to be a girl' or that a man 'could never hack childbirth'... Please stop unless you want unlimited notifications from me about how ignorant you really are and how oblivious to human nature.

First of all, if you aren't pregnant or haven't had a child you have no more right than me to talk about how painful it is and if you could withstand the pains or not. Sure, I'm not female and i will never give birth to a child but it makes it perfectly alright to start pitying yourself and trying to make me feel bad as if it were my fault. When i was choosing my gender, i remember perfectly trying to tick the female box but my nonexistent 'male ego' got in the way and ticked the remaining box... Secondly who made it your gift to say that a man wouldn't be able to withstand childbirth? Did you prove this? Did you watch the film 'Junior' and decide that it was possible and base it on that? OH you thought you would take the convenient point of impossibility and twist it in a way were you can sit amongst yourselves and complain how we have it easy. In that case I'm so SO sorry, i didn't mean to rain on your parade and come and boast off my inability to give birth. You can't simply say something and believe it true just because it's impossible for it to happen. I can't give birth only physically.

If it were possible for a man to give birth then i am certain that a man could go through the pain and suffering otherwise there wouldn't be a point in it being possible. By saying 'you wouldn't be able to go through this' is just ignorance. You can't possible expect me to prove that i can because I'm unable to, but proving something on the basis of me not being able to prove otherwise is just excitingly dull of you. Think outside the box a bit, you know?

Another quote that i have which annoys me terribly is 'When you're giving birth, they just sit there and say it's going to be okay, because YOU done this to me! it's your fault, why are you here? you're no help' This is the biggest piece of utter shit i have ever heard. I know that not ALL women say this or even think it, but I've come across a few that do. Did you really expect a man to sit there and listen to that and say 'Oh okay, I'll go home' I'm afraid it's as much his baby as it is hers, I once again apologize that you have to deliver the baby but I'm sure in a mans heart of hearts, if it were possible he would carry the burden... in most cases. And of course he done this to you, you think sexual intercourse is only on a man's part yeah? Only the man has sex, and he sneakily implanted them into your womb? James bond yeah? Undercover stealth mode yeah? No. You had sex with him and have as much responsibility as him for having unprotected sex. Have sex. Be pregnant. don't pass any blame. Have the child. Fucking toddler, happy?

This blog is going to be extremely long. Stop reading if you're eyes hurt.

Back to my blog post title. Hypocrisy. I have the most frustrating example i can think of, and being a huge role model to little girls and even adults in this day and age you would expect a bit more of self respect for herself. Beyoncé, or however you accent her name. The majority of women believe in equal opportunity right? Most believe that women shouldn't be 'womanized' as it were? Treated as an item of belonging rather than a human being. I hate it when a singer like this comes along and so commonly shows her ignorance of a whole female generation. The lyrics 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it' border on making me want to kill myself. Using the word 'it' destroyed and chance of respect that i had for you. By cat-calling a man as if it is his responsibility to do everything - which is insisted that he doesn't - and then taunting the guy because he missed out the opportunity to be with you? But THEN referring to yourself as 'it' took it to the next level. The whole song is a shambles to start with to be honest, so if this woman has any decency and has already proved herself to be a feminist by her 'if i were a boy' song stereotyping every man into 'drinking a beer with the guys' and so forth then she is in all senses of the word, a hypocrite. There is no room for fools like her in this media, celebrity-obsessed planet. Unless we want a generation of male-hating, feminist lesbians.

Oh god it would be so much easier if i were a boy,

Fuck you.

Infidelity,

I plagiarised this topic from a friend, just so that i don't mistakenly take the credit (: The topic that's been playing on my mind for a few weeks now as i sit; as i eat; as i sleep. The topic disgusts me. I wish it would leave me alone and i wish that it would leave this planet forever so that the world would be a much brighter place. The billions of people that would disagree with what I'm saying, if you're reading, please do keep reading... it might broaden your mind, or who knows, might even change your opinion. I'm wrong, incorrect, false, any variation of the word is what i am. No matter what i say and no matter what anyone will say this blog will not turn a single cheek. The topic that I'm discussing, you know? The one that has confounded the majority of the population for the 4.5 billion years that the earth has been proven to be existent for.

False hope Narrow-mindedness Religion.

There is this huge difference between a believer and an infidel. If a christian, If a Muslim, If a Jew were to walk up to me and try and conjure an elusive being into my head i would listen to them intently, keen on trying to figure out a flaw in their beliefs, trying to dissuade myself from my beliefs, what i believe in. A believer on the other hand, faced with the same situation only in reverse, wouldn't listen. Why? "My faith, That's all i need." Your faith. Your faith that there is this higher being, this powerful lord, the omega. Oh Lord how i wish i were you. I wish could accept religion that easily, oh how i wish i could simply push contradiction from my mind.

Where is this God of yours? The one taking his time about saving our planet, the one that we're destroying, the one that he made. Is it us paying for the sins of global warming or is it the generations who didn't enforce the laws properly. Is it us who should pay for it or is it our great great great great grandchildren? Oh yeah the people who haven't been born yet should pay, it's their fault is it? an extremely merciful god that we have on our hands here.

Let me put this last point to you, to a christian specifically. There are a lot of flaws with other religions but i don't want to bore you further.

Is Tesco open on a Sunday? Are many stores open on a Sunday... yes. Many christian stores are open, on a Sunday, the sabbath, the holiest of days for a christian am i right? One of the commandments if i remember correctly is 'The seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work' and if a commandment is broken, you shall be 'put to death' According to the lord. If there was any sort of order or devotion to the bible, surely one deranged extremist will do what their book tells them, and smite billions of innocent workers who work their jobs on a Sunday. On this notion, the bible is repulsive. I personally do not want to read about how i should be, what i should do, and if i don't i will go to hell.

Let me go to hell.

I don't need more on my mind than what i already have. I don't need to have this omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent being hanging on my shoulder so that I'm scared to do what will or might make my life better. It's this that makes a believer narrow-minded. If you don't question your faith then you haven't opened your eyes. Faith makes the whole world blind, but blind faith is what makes the world. Try it some time, think about how this could actually be true, TRY and get around the fact that millions of people haven't just been 'testing your faith' by tempting you with convenient alibis, I'm sure if there was a god he would have expected you to doubt yourself, expected you to be smart enough not to be too devoted, and waste away the life that he gave you.

Amen.

Dull dull dull.

Why oh why I'm telling this to the world i will never know.

It's fun to get everything out on the off chance that a randomer will read and think what an obsessive, sad teenager i actually am. Sitting at home writing a blog about my life and how my day was. The Internet: every body's friend. Funny how the web has developed to this stage that most now see the Internet... as a person. It's built an identity for itself, children and adults alike can share their memories and express themselves even if nobody else will listen. Faith in a system with no emotion, built on communities... the whole 'web 2.0' theory really does excite me about the possibilities that can and will happen, don't ask me why. I don't have an answer...

It's odd how someone can become so reliant on the Internet, so physically attached to it that they live off it. That they practically spend their day on MSN or Facebook or whatever. This is why I've started to read a lot more books. I'm trying not to spend too long on these sites and applications, because i spend way too much time on them at the moment... I need to get out more but every time a chance comes up for me to go out, i end up not going. Maybe it's that i moan constantly about being bored and that I'm doing nothing and then someone asks me to go somewhere and i don't actually want to. I've been sitting in my house and going out for the most tedious of things for the majority of this holiday... and it's dull.

So who wants to go out, let's say...

You, me... at six?

The fall of our language

And once again I'm talking about a subject that people argue about daily, but then proceeding to do it anyway. Hypocrite? Well I've now decided on my own terms to quit slang as much as i can. It's bare really hard to change the way I've been speaking and typing on MSN for the past 5 years. I've grown so accustomed to the constant usage of these words that i think the have become apart of me.. Moving on to a new college i think the best thing to do is just to quit altogether and start from scratch. Colloquialism is the basis for the destuction of the English Language.

Over the past few days i read a book. I finished it yesterday, the book restored hope in me for the majority of a second before i realised the publish date and when it was written. The book is called 'The Great Gatsby'... It filled me with wonder and a passion that you can only gain from reading to learn more about and around this set period. I'm lucky enough to have been encouraged to read from a young age so i have always been fluently literate, enough for me to remember the language.

the people who wern't so fortunate have become the catalysts.

If you greet me online by saying 'kl' i don't respect you. All the other variations to that are just the same. I don't like to judge someone before i've gotten to know them but here's the exception, as soon as i see the way how you type i judge you. I'm sorry, it must be how my mind works but as soon as you start to miss out vowels, WHOLE words, i don't think you're intelligent. You could be getting A*'s and i'd still think it... Also if you type like that, and then i use slang aswell, and i don't speak how i'm speaking above, then you're in the 'i don't think you're that smart' column. Not that you care, 'it's only msn' wait until you get back your GCSE results.

Hold it.